"I hope you recognize me"

I used to to feel so strong, I was foolish enough to believe I could shape oceans.

I used to feel so light. I thought I could walk across them.

I used to feel so light that it would have been a senseless act for darkness to show it's face.

I used to feel like the funniest man alive. Fuck faces, I made your heart smile.

I used to remember the smallest thing, like your birthmark and what it is shaped like.

I used to feel invincible

I used to feel free.

I used to feel your love.

I used to feel together our love intimidated everyone.

I used to feel we were a inspiration to new love, and a sweet memory worth a smile to old.

I used to feel timeless.

I used to feel like it was okay to get lost in your eyes, and find myself in your heart.

I used to...

I used to have the opinion formed that even my best wasn't enough, so I will always be better.


I used to be a fool, foolishly in love.

I used to be hopeless hopelessly in love.

I used to know you.

I'd hope you'd remember me.


I hope you would look at the monster and see the beauty.



-LOVEsoldier

LOVEsoldier

I was lost in being found some where in between Love and Insanity. Cruising at 150mph. I love her so much like crazy, she even tortures me in my solitude. A fuzzy screen in a clear mind. But me. I am Love's Soldier and my name..... is Love Soldier. I fight until even fighting is futile.
Love is pain, pain is war, and Love is war and I am a Soldier of it. A soldier for her. I face her greatest fears daily so she won't have to. Love is a soldier and it is a superior on my team. I am Love's Soldier.
Love betrayed me though. It's hard getting back to Love when your love has been betrayed. But I am Love's Soldier.
Half way through Insanity. Love whispered in my ear. "I dare you" I violently twist my throttle back and go a lot faster. Lights turn to blurs, bugs to paint balls, and rocks to bullets. Words into knives, and actions into guns. I think "I will win" I twist a little harder thinking control is so over-rated. Chaos is where I wanted to be. Controlled Chaos inside Love's war. I am Love's Soldier.
I just wanted to be her savior. Not to be a war hero. Just save her. From anything and everyone. 10 miles from Reality I confided in the speed and put all my fear in slowing down. I guess I was running. Love is a bitch with bad intentions. But to assault it is to break my promise to me my promise to the Corps of Love. So I embrace the oncoming death of me. The death of Love's Soldier.
I am Love's Soldier, but love changed up on me, chewed me up, swallowed me, pooped me out, and threw me against a wall. I still fought. Reaching Reality bought me to a sudden stop. From 260 to 0. Reality said to me " Love Soldier, a soldier knows no quit. A death is not glorious if you plan on hiding in it. No one will remember you. Believe in the contradiction of man. Love, Peace, Anarchy. Replace that love with you Love... Soldier. Be love, free love. Demand peace. Live your Anarchy, controlled chaos.
I was Love's Soldier. I am LOVEsoldier

Modern Warfare

To lose a battle feels too much like losing the war. I once basked in that same sweet feeling of victory. I guess my feeling if you don't train hard enough or put in enough work. Doesn't mean that you can't win. Some things come naturally as natural. So what? I dig a little deeper, fight a little harder. Love a little more than I need to. Surely nothing less than a broken heart is to follow. So what I conditioned and transformed myself into the perfect opponent. You are so by default. Still doe not make you any less of an opponent. I suppose.
If Love is War and War is Pain and Pain is Love. I don't think I want to play anymore. Who am I to stand in front of a natural. I condition myself daily to do what you were born to do. I mean I have to be a natural at my own game. Right? So what my score is always higher than yours. I feel I have more entitlement to this gold then you do. I work day in and day out. If I try and block your trying then I am a villain.
When is enough. When is okay to throw the towel in. Do I keep playing as long as I have the right team mates? Then quit when they do?

1nce

Now that the doctor is standing over an individual a strong as me, and saying "You won't make it to see your next birthday." The always sarcastic side of me says "well that sucks"

I wrote a book once. I did in 6 hours what takes most people 6 months or 6 years. I wrote a story to my life. I painfully jotted down every painful event that my finger tips would dare type. All while yahoo chatting with a close friend. I saw headaches come and go, and physically felt my eyes cross from staring at the same screen for that long. Until this day there are 3 of those books in rotation, not because I was scared to publish. I just felt it was a user guide to me. I wrote a book in 6 hours, now I wont live 6 days to see my next birthday.

I mainly sit secluded and quite. Thinking, even now too proud to ask the doctor if there is anything else he can do. My mother said my pride will be the life and death of me. Even now that my own life depends on it I am too proud to ask for help.

I crashed my motorcycle once broke my collar bone, handle bar violently twisted and knocked my knee cap out, fractured my jaw, broke my shoulder, and fractured 3 ribs. The doctor said I would never walk again because screw the other injuries I had to walk bone on bone. I am minus a knee cap. That was medically impossible. I walked. But I cant make it to see my next birthday.

Why beg for mercy? I am where I am supposed to be. I am with the ones I love.

I spoke to god once. He came to me at my darkest moment of my favorite sin. The only time I was ever helpless since I was an infant. He did most of the talking. Actually he did it all. "Live your life as much as you can, while you can. Have faith in something, love someone, cause some trouble, repent, then cause some more. Be you faithfully, plant your seed and watch it grow."

I lived a life once. Lived it well, I loved, a lot, and hurt a little. I lived a life once played some instruments and enjoyed some music. I made enemies and friends. In that order. Once I lived a life and at the end of it I had no regrets nor did I think I should have done anything different.



Dedicated to Willie Johnson 1940-2011

Medusa

Maybe thrice times is the best. As I lay in the solidity of my solitude this sourceless flame burns now deeper than ever. From the tip of my big toe to the very tip of the longest hair on my head. Metaphorically of course. But so real that my actual body temperature spikes. It speaks to me in the most foul voices of all that is sweet. This flame, my Bonita Mentirosa. I can go as far as to saying it is a she, and she hurts me. She hurts me so (not to be vague) beautifully. She gives me butterflies in the deepest places that hurts, but hurts in the highest places that I have butterflies. Scares me into being fearless. The flame warms all but my finger tips and feet. One look at her warms my heart and stones my brain. Thinking of staring in to the different hues of her embers glowing makes me want to break into song: "Oh, this burn in my soul. Watch me as my embers glow.." But when she stings it's more like "Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your shit bare.." My flame, the reincarnation of Medusa herself. I know well she doesn't deserve me, all my love, my devotion. She deserves more. I try and douse this flame (metaphorically of course) with this act of being more than meets the eye. And it tames her, but burns me more now than ever. So I confront it with my all. Now as this not so sourceless flame dies, and I am subtle. I begin to settle, and think. This flame didn't start its self. I am the arsonist, the pyromaniac. All it takes is my all.

Come for daddy. (Welcome to the place called love, or something like it)

I am looking in her eyes, trying to find a spark.
My heart is broken. Doesn't seem to beat, lately.
She told me on a normal day I am not what she goes for.
But today is not a normal day.
I couldn't let her know this was my first time doing something of this magnitude.
And that truth be told I tend to stray away from her type, too .
But today is no normal day.
Nah, today is a bit different. Like apples and bananas.
I am feeling risky.
I won't let you know it, but this is my first time.
It is all new to me. And to be frank...
All I got to give is my everything.
All I want is my everything
And all I have to give is my everything.
I told her to come for me.
She smiled with a roll of her eyes and told me I would have to dig deeper.
She said "give me more, because I can take everything."
This took me off guard, never met a chick that can take all of me.
I am a "all or nothing" type of guy, anyway.
I gave her more, but I was nervous to give her all.
She said to me "I want to come, but I am anticipating the moment you stop because you got what you came for"
I said to her "Mama, relax. Daddy is in for the long haul. This is a 100/100 situation. And it works better when both parties are satisfied. "
So with my shoulders back, head strong, and confident.
I gave her all of me.
All of me being metaphorically equivalent to the sweat off my back .
I called her mama, and she called me daddy.
I whispered "Come for daddy. I don't want to do this alone."
Her heart pounded and she came and joined me in that short lived eternal ecstasy.
That was the sign, and I will be damned if I didn't almost miss it.
Then I felt that spark and my heart started to beat, again.
The sign said "Welcome to Love or Something Like it"

I'm Bleeding

I miss her through the phone. My Distant Lover. She is so damn close to me. There is a connection there. Something like the one you get when you are hundreds of miles away and you tell her to look up, because my now you both are looking at the same moon. I miss her like I love her deeply. She is so pure, raw, untouched, stability to my controlled chaos. The extinguisher, yet ignition to my fire. My muse. My catalyst.

I miss her through the Internet. My Distant other. She is so damn close to me. She controls me and she doesn't even know it. Emotions run wild. She is me but I don't know her. I miss her like the right side of Canada misses the right side of Brazil. They share the same ocean. I miss her like the east misses the west travel one way in either direction long enough and you will eventually run into the other.

I miss her her from my heart. My Distant friend. Or is she more. The gas to my car. Roller to my coaster. Up to my down. I miss her out of control. I miss her content. I miss her freely. I miss her like parallel lines running side by side but never touching. I miss her like the 4 divided by 6. I miss her like the remainder. I miss her hard. I miss her soft.

I miss her from my soul......... Nothing Follows.