1nce

Now that the doctor is standing over an individual a strong as me, and saying "You won't make it to see your next birthday." The always sarcastic side of me says "well that sucks"

I wrote a book once. I did in 6 hours what takes most people 6 months or 6 years. I wrote a story to my life. I painfully jotted down every painful event that my finger tips would dare type. All while yahoo chatting with a close friend. I saw headaches come and go, and physically felt my eyes cross from staring at the same screen for that long. Until this day there are 3 of those books in rotation, not because I was scared to publish. I just felt it was a user guide to me. I wrote a book in 6 hours, now I wont live 6 days to see my next birthday.

I mainly sit secluded and quite. Thinking, even now too proud to ask the doctor if there is anything else he can do. My mother said my pride will be the life and death of me. Even now that my own life depends on it I am too proud to ask for help.

I crashed my motorcycle once broke my collar bone, handle bar violently twisted and knocked my knee cap out, fractured my jaw, broke my shoulder, and fractured 3 ribs. The doctor said I would never walk again because screw the other injuries I had to walk bone on bone. I am minus a knee cap. That was medically impossible. I walked. But I cant make it to see my next birthday.

Why beg for mercy? I am where I am supposed to be. I am with the ones I love.

I spoke to god once. He came to me at my darkest moment of my favorite sin. The only time I was ever helpless since I was an infant. He did most of the talking. Actually he did it all. "Live your life as much as you can, while you can. Have faith in something, love someone, cause some trouble, repent, then cause some more. Be you faithfully, plant your seed and watch it grow."

I lived a life once. Lived it well, I loved, a lot, and hurt a little. I lived a life once played some instruments and enjoyed some music. I made enemies and friends. In that order. Once I lived a life and at the end of it I had no regrets nor did I think I should have done anything different.



Dedicated to Willie Johnson 1940-2011

Medusa

Maybe thrice times is the best. As I lay in the solidity of my solitude this sourceless flame burns now deeper than ever. From the tip of my big toe to the very tip of the longest hair on my head. Metaphorically of course. But so real that my actual body temperature spikes. It speaks to me in the most foul voices of all that is sweet. This flame, my Bonita Mentirosa. I can go as far as to saying it is a she, and she hurts me. She hurts me so (not to be vague) beautifully. She gives me butterflies in the deepest places that hurts, but hurts in the highest places that I have butterflies. Scares me into being fearless. The flame warms all but my finger tips and feet. One look at her warms my heart and stones my brain. Thinking of staring in to the different hues of her embers glowing makes me want to break into song: "Oh, this burn in my soul. Watch me as my embers glow.." But when she stings it's more like "Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your shit bare.." My flame, the reincarnation of Medusa herself. I know well she doesn't deserve me, all my love, my devotion. She deserves more. I try and douse this flame (metaphorically of course) with this act of being more than meets the eye. And it tames her, but burns me more now than ever. So I confront it with my all. Now as this not so sourceless flame dies, and I am subtle. I begin to settle, and think. This flame didn't start its self. I am the arsonist, the pyromaniac. All it takes is my all.

Come for daddy. (Welcome to the place called love, or something like it)

I am looking in her eyes, trying to find a spark.
My heart is broken. Doesn't seem to beat, lately.
She told me on a normal day I am not what she goes for.
But today is not a normal day.
I couldn't let her know this was my first time doing something of this magnitude.
And that truth be told I tend to stray away from her type, too .
But today is no normal day.
Nah, today is a bit different. Like apples and bananas.
I am feeling risky.
I won't let you know it, but this is my first time.
It is all new to me. And to be frank...
All I got to give is my everything.
All I want is my everything
And all I have to give is my everything.
I told her to come for me.
She smiled with a roll of her eyes and told me I would have to dig deeper.
She said "give me more, because I can take everything."
This took me off guard, never met a chick that can take all of me.
I am a "all or nothing" type of guy, anyway.
I gave her more, but I was nervous to give her all.
She said to me "I want to come, but I am anticipating the moment you stop because you got what you came for"
I said to her "Mama, relax. Daddy is in for the long haul. This is a 100/100 situation. And it works better when both parties are satisfied. "
So with my shoulders back, head strong, and confident.
I gave her all of me.
All of me being metaphorically equivalent to the sweat off my back .
I called her mama, and she called me daddy.
I whispered "Come for daddy. I don't want to do this alone."
Her heart pounded and she came and joined me in that short lived eternal ecstasy.
That was the sign, and I will be damned if I didn't almost miss it.
Then I felt that spark and my heart started to beat, again.
The sign said "Welcome to Love or Something Like it"

I'm Bleeding

I miss her through the phone. My Distant Lover. She is so damn close to me. There is a connection there. Something like the one you get when you are hundreds of miles away and you tell her to look up, because my now you both are looking at the same moon. I miss her like I love her deeply. She is so pure, raw, untouched, stability to my controlled chaos. The extinguisher, yet ignition to my fire. My muse. My catalyst.

I miss her through the Internet. My Distant other. She is so damn close to me. She controls me and she doesn't even know it. Emotions run wild. She is me but I don't know her. I miss her like the right side of Canada misses the right side of Brazil. They share the same ocean. I miss her like the east misses the west travel one way in either direction long enough and you will eventually run into the other.

I miss her her from my heart. My Distant friend. Or is she more. The gas to my car. Roller to my coaster. Up to my down. I miss her out of control. I miss her content. I miss her freely. I miss her like parallel lines running side by side but never touching. I miss her like the 4 divided by 6. I miss her like the remainder. I miss her hard. I miss her soft.

I miss her from my soul......... Nothing Follows.

Hello, Goobye (continued)

Hello,

I dry my tears. I am sitting here in complete darkness. At a never ending war with myself. Going back and forward over and over, again. I think back to the night when I took that long gaze into your eyes. They say eyes are the windows to ones’ soul. Either you are a trickster or yours is a pure as a newborns soul. The smile that saying that put on my face is wipe away when I think of how quick you were to walk away from me. I wasn’t joking when I said I would see you through anything. “I got your back” took on a new meaning when I recite it to you. God your smile is something that was manifested in my dreams. All I wanted to be was your man, your rock. Then you put me in between a rock and a hard place when you expressed your feelings. But god I miss that feeling I got every time you said you loved me. I felt invincible when you told me all you want to do is”Kiss and Hug” me. I know I wasn’t perfect, but over time I wanted to be perfect for you.
Honestly, did I not deserve the chance to at least try. You pushed me away, and all I wanted was to see you through. Here I am, swimming in memories of us and drowning in anger from knowing what I could have been. Why does this anger last? Why cut so deep? The funny thing is I don’t know why I love you. But who am I to challenge my heart? Did you take me for a joke when I said I would do anything to keep you happy? Why take a statement so serious so lightly. I cant stop thinking of you, an it drives me insane! A friend I was confiding in told me, “the love that last the longest is the love that is never returned” .
It’s sad. I fell for you for the little things you did. But no matter how simple I was always grateful. I felt like a little child. Now my heart is as cold as cold can be. If you would have just let me try. Let me coach. Hell even advise.

Goodbye

Hello, Goodbye

Everything couldn’t be more perfect. We play fight and tussle until we find ourselves in this position. It resembles me holding you. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you like it almost as much as I do. Neither one of us dare work our way from it. We sit there, hearts communicating. Having a conversation that our mouths wouldn’t dare discuss. That was it that was when I fell for you. I fell in love with you. Your heart told mine “I am ready to be yours without reservation”. Mine responded. We lay there drawn to each other. 1^st date feeling like our honey moon. I was so convinced that this was something beyond beginners love. We lay there secluded in even though we were far from seclusion. We place a stamp on the over-flow of emotions with a kiss. And the eventually we would journey in and out, and in and out of time, space, and… It was so crystal clear that I was for you, and you were for me. My arms held you and my kissed consoled you. I love you, love.

We sit here, I can tell there is a lot on your mind from the way you hugged me. The part of me that is daring, reluctantly asked what was on your mind. As you spilled your heart to me I started to realize how unhappy you were. Your emotions were contorted. Immediately I was unhappy, because the source of your unhappiness wasn’t something I could fix. Instead it was something that was rooted deeply in your past. So, I sit back defenseless… Helpless. Watching it all fall apart right in front of me. I watched us get shot down in front of me, and I was strapped down, unable to shelter it. You… You love me so much that you would remain unhappy because you wanted us. Me, I am too selfless and in love with you to ever make you anything buy happy. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, we ended. Goodbye my lover.

Lying alone in this room, all that is missing is you. People fall in and out of love, a lot rooting from the same problem. I woke up in the middle of the night last night. I found myself griping my pillow too tight. Your scent always did linger. It drove me about a mile past insanity. I got up and washed the pillow cases, and slept on the couch that night. I woke up this morning and started to draw. Only I couldn’t find a color to color pain with. Blue crossed my mind. But I used it already to shade in “missing you”. Even then I couldn’t even get a picture of you to come out right. You should be here with me. My Phenomenal Woman, and I your Maya Angelou. Sitting in solitude going back in forward with not giving in completely, because I know how easy hearts break. But then neither one of us are fans of fighting out hearts. I stare at all I have left of you, and no matter how inanimate it is. She says, hush my baby, don’t you cry. I dry my eyes….

to be continued.

Jonesy

"Playlisted Love Affair"

Like Al Greene "I'm so tired of being alone"
So much that when I shower I do a horrible cover to One Republic's song "Come Home"

And in the words of Ne-Yo it's "all because of you"
What can I say? I am feeling like Trey on Trey Day "I can't stop missing you"

Cupid listened to too much B. Spears cause that dude just "hit me"
And all I can do is try and walk it out like the "Cupid Shuffle" on that one CD

I am reminded of you when India Arie sings "Ready for Love" to me
You catch me at that moment and I will "Cater to you" like numer 3 on Destiny Child's CD

I can go on and on but all of these songs are "Part of the list"
A never ending one. But Bruno Mars said it with "I knew from the 1st kiss"

Only your eyes weren't open, so I pulled you "Closer"
Best moments are the shortest ones, cause in a blink of an eye. That moment was "Over"

I can be like Fabolous and spell to you, cause you're "F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S"
Or get straight to the point and say "You're the fucking best"

Would it be cliche for me to say that "When I see you" "I get sooo weak in the knees"?
Or how about even though its only temporary when you leave all I want is for you to "Come back to me"

James Morrison said it best "when it all got too heavy, you carried my weight."
And in that same note I can stay here forever, and hold you this way.
Like Adam Levine said "nothings ever promised tomorrow, today"

I am trying to be the opposite of The Fray and not leave a thing "unsaid"
But I guess if I could get my voice up high like Lenny Williams a simple "I love ya" (no matter how incorrect my grammar) would have did!


Jonesy


Been a while since I did the whole rhyming thing. Hope you enjoyed. As far as who it is to... Well, this noun, knows who/what/where it is!