I'm Bleeding

I miss her through the phone. My Distant Lover. She is so damn close to me. There is a connection there. Something like the one you get when you are hundreds of miles away and you tell her to look up, because my now you both are looking at the same moon. I miss her like I love her deeply. She is so pure, raw, untouched, stability to my controlled chaos. The extinguisher, yet ignition to my fire. My muse. My catalyst.

I miss her through the Internet. My Distant other. She is so damn close to me. She controls me and she doesn't even know it. Emotions run wild. She is me but I don't know her. I miss her like the right side of Canada misses the right side of Brazil. They share the same ocean. I miss her like the east misses the west travel one way in either direction long enough and you will eventually run into the other.

I miss her her from my heart. My Distant friend. Or is she more. The gas to my car. Roller to my coaster. Up to my down. I miss her out of control. I miss her content. I miss her freely. I miss her like parallel lines running side by side but never touching. I miss her like the 4 divided by 6. I miss her like the remainder. I miss her hard. I miss her soft.

I miss her from my soul......... Nothing Follows.

Hello, Goobye (continued)

Hello,

I dry my tears. I am sitting here in complete darkness. At a never ending war with myself. Going back and forward over and over, again. I think back to the night when I took that long gaze into your eyes. They say eyes are the windows to ones’ soul. Either you are a trickster or yours is a pure as a newborns soul. The smile that saying that put on my face is wipe away when I think of how quick you were to walk away from me. I wasn’t joking when I said I would see you through anything. “I got your back” took on a new meaning when I recite it to you. God your smile is something that was manifested in my dreams. All I wanted to be was your man, your rock. Then you put me in between a rock and a hard place when you expressed your feelings. But god I miss that feeling I got every time you said you loved me. I felt invincible when you told me all you want to do is”Kiss and Hug” me. I know I wasn’t perfect, but over time I wanted to be perfect for you.
Honestly, did I not deserve the chance to at least try. You pushed me away, and all I wanted was to see you through. Here I am, swimming in memories of us and drowning in anger from knowing what I could have been. Why does this anger last? Why cut so deep? The funny thing is I don’t know why I love you. But who am I to challenge my heart? Did you take me for a joke when I said I would do anything to keep you happy? Why take a statement so serious so lightly. I cant stop thinking of you, an it drives me insane! A friend I was confiding in told me, “the love that last the longest is the love that is never returned” .
It’s sad. I fell for you for the little things you did. But no matter how simple I was always grateful. I felt like a little child. Now my heart is as cold as cold can be. If you would have just let me try. Let me coach. Hell even advise.

Goodbye

Hello, Goodbye

Everything couldn’t be more perfect. We play fight and tussle until we find ourselves in this position. It resembles me holding you. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you like it almost as much as I do. Neither one of us dare work our way from it. We sit there, hearts communicating. Having a conversation that our mouths wouldn’t dare discuss. That was it that was when I fell for you. I fell in love with you. Your heart told mine “I am ready to be yours without reservation”. Mine responded. We lay there drawn to each other. 1^st date feeling like our honey moon. I was so convinced that this was something beyond beginners love. We lay there secluded in even though we were far from seclusion. We place a stamp on the over-flow of emotions with a kiss. And the eventually we would journey in and out, and in and out of time, space, and… It was so crystal clear that I was for you, and you were for me. My arms held you and my kissed consoled you. I love you, love.

We sit here, I can tell there is a lot on your mind from the way you hugged me. The part of me that is daring, reluctantly asked what was on your mind. As you spilled your heart to me I started to realize how unhappy you were. Your emotions were contorted. Immediately I was unhappy, because the source of your unhappiness wasn’t something I could fix. Instead it was something that was rooted deeply in your past. So, I sit back defenseless… Helpless. Watching it all fall apart right in front of me. I watched us get shot down in front of me, and I was strapped down, unable to shelter it. You… You love me so much that you would remain unhappy because you wanted us. Me, I am too selfless and in love with you to ever make you anything buy happy. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, we ended. Goodbye my lover.

Lying alone in this room, all that is missing is you. People fall in and out of love, a lot rooting from the same problem. I woke up in the middle of the night last night. I found myself griping my pillow too tight. Your scent always did linger. It drove me about a mile past insanity. I got up and washed the pillow cases, and slept on the couch that night. I woke up this morning and started to draw. Only I couldn’t find a color to color pain with. Blue crossed my mind. But I used it already to shade in “missing you”. Even then I couldn’t even get a picture of you to come out right. You should be here with me. My Phenomenal Woman, and I your Maya Angelou. Sitting in solitude going back in forward with not giving in completely, because I know how easy hearts break. But then neither one of us are fans of fighting out hearts. I stare at all I have left of you, and no matter how inanimate it is. She says, hush my baby, don’t you cry. I dry my eyes….

to be continued.

Jonesy

"Playlisted Love Affair"

Like Al Greene "I'm so tired of being alone"
So much that when I shower I do a horrible cover to One Republic's song "Come Home"

And in the words of Ne-Yo it's "all because of you"
What can I say? I am feeling like Trey on Trey Day "I can't stop missing you"

Cupid listened to too much B. Spears cause that dude just "hit me"
And all I can do is try and walk it out like the "Cupid Shuffle" on that one CD

I am reminded of you when India Arie sings "Ready for Love" to me
You catch me at that moment and I will "Cater to you" like numer 3 on Destiny Child's CD

I can go on and on but all of these songs are "Part of the list"
A never ending one. But Bruno Mars said it with "I knew from the 1st kiss"

Only your eyes weren't open, so I pulled you "Closer"
Best moments are the shortest ones, cause in a blink of an eye. That moment was "Over"

I can be like Fabolous and spell to you, cause you're "F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S"
Or get straight to the point and say "You're the fucking best"

Would it be cliche for me to say that "When I see you" "I get sooo weak in the knees"?
Or how about even though its only temporary when you leave all I want is for you to "Come back to me"

James Morrison said it best "when it all got too heavy, you carried my weight."
And in that same note I can stay here forever, and hold you this way.
Like Adam Levine said "nothings ever promised tomorrow, today"

I am trying to be the opposite of The Fray and not leave a thing "unsaid"
But I guess if I could get my voice up high like Lenny Williams a simple "I love ya" (no matter how incorrect my grammar) would have did!


Jonesy


Been a while since I did the whole rhyming thing. Hope you enjoyed. As far as who it is to... Well, this noun, knows who/what/where it is!

I Bet You Didn't Know

I bet you didnt know that I love you, or atleast I like you a lot... My day kinda depends on you. Even if the most I can get is a picture at a time.I bet you didnt know is the only thing that is better than being deep in is being in your deep end... I would willingly drown there. Let your juices surround me as I give you as much of me as you can take...But my favorite thing is your head game. Being deep in is being deeply involved in our conversation. I simply want to engage you and your mind in a not so sexual way.
I bet you didn't know that I would rather lay with you naked and exposed engulfed in your river of flowing feminine.... thoughts. Your head game. I would like to engage your thoughts with the biggest of rocks, and marry the deepest ones...
I bet you didn't know that one night while you slept I was kept awake by your mere essence of being. I turned on some light because I was going insane in my not so self induced sleepless solitude. That is when I counted 72 eyelashes on the top of your eyelid on your right eye..
I bet you didn't know that I love you, or at least I like you a lot...

Once when I was little...

I am not doing this for any type of praise...

Once when I was little... Maybe not so little, but little in the sense of age. I was 12 to be exact. My mother was working hard, she had changed a lot of her ways.. She was determined to make me happy. To make me fit in even when it seemed finacially impossible... That Christmas was sure to be the best of my life. There were sooo many presents under that tree. Someone broke into our house on Dec 22nd. Everything was stolen of course. This made me realize that people would go to the most extreme to make their families happy. Not to justify what happened. My mom went to this program with Toys For Tots. One where you submit your name and your situation, and people who had the means to be generous would choose someone to give a gift to... On Christmas Eve, Stacy Jones (no relation) showed up at my house. She had bought everything that was stolen, and given it to me. She was a 20 year old college student. That taught me 2 things. To be humble, and not to be selfish. My mother cried and talked to her for what seemed to be hours...

I didn't get why she cried, I didnt get how emotionally strong Stacy was. North Carolina has a similar program. I stared at a picture of my mom for hours on the 6th. I decided that I would donate my XBOX 360 to some kid for Christmas... I didn't want to meet the family, just wanted to give back... I got a phone call from a Millie Drisco, she gave me the rundown on a few families. One kid was 12, good grades, plays football, product of a single mother and a father that didn't really care. His mother is 30 and works at a hotel... That hit sooo close to home... I met with him, his mother, and his uncle... She cried and thanked me soo much. Then I realized why my mother cried and how strong Stacy was. I felt so depressed to know that even Great People struggle. But was immediatley cheered up by knowing that is when other Great People pick up the slack...

iJonesy (X)

Twitch

Twitch. I am strung out. You know you get that 1st high. That first taste, and you continue to want it. You want those few seconds of ecstacy, even though you know nothing, but more wanting proceeds. Yet you do it anyway. Hoping that this time it will last a little longer, you will be a little high-er. Thats why we do it anyway. To duplicate that sst time, to get a little higher. Seems impossible, but maybe this time is it. Or maybe I am playing Russian Roulette. Whatever the case, it is my game, my life, my high, my twitch. I am strung out.