Borne By the River (My 1st Time)

I hurt myself. today. To see if I still fell. I focused on the pain. The only thing thats real.. What have I become?


Breifly after the struggle. After mama made son proud. Son wanted to fly. Be his own bird. Become a man. A man.. I like that. Son still had to make mama proud. Even though mama had become the epitome of "Rags to Riches" in a sense. Son had a promise. To take care of mom.
Military is what I always preached, and now I decided I want to do it. Its time to prove everyone wrong who doubted me.

So I go on to complete my training. I was addicted to this chick. Strange addiction. She had a certain something about her. Her personality was almost as addictive as mine. I look back now, and she wasnt even that pretty. But, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We decided we were meant for each other. Little did I know this is where the pain began. To rewind a little. If you steal a toy it is never truly yours. If you win the lotto its not long before that same money is up for grabs again.. I should have known. My training seemed to offer me a chance to purge myself of her. But that addiction. A simple "Hi" or a hint of her perfume.. The way she always smelled like brown sugar and vanilla. And even now it makes me think of her flawless, shiny skin...

I got a letter from her saying she loved me. I was in love. All my hard work wasted. Walls penetrated. I knew it was a bad Idea. But i decided to hurt myself. All or nothing? I opened up. Communicated back and forward. No one was there to warn me. I watched a woman go in and out of relationships, being faithful . I never saw the role of a doggish woman or a good man. Just what she had been through. I knew we were destined for failure after she didnt come to my graduation. It was all inclusive.. The only excuse she could give was "I have to study".. I was making improvements in my life, and i wanted to be what she needed.. I began to once again purge myself. So that day when she told me " I don't want to be with you anymore" in a angry voice, and we set on the phone. All i could do was hang up and close this chapter of my life.

That was the first time. That first high. That first cut. It's not always the deepest. But it stung a bit. I went on allowing her. In and out of my life. But my walls were built so high. She even offered what i wanted. She said "We can get married and have kids" but i rejected. There is no pain greater than one that you can not cure. I will probably have these scars forever but I don't care about that right now..