The Soldier Who Walks With His Head Down

I said to myself. This will be your most thought out yet. For once I said. Fuck the reader. I don’t care how lengthy it is or how many words I type.

I sit here and I am conflicted within myself. That’s the worst by the way. Arguing with the person who knows you best… You. It is May 14, 2009 here as of now I don’t know what I am going to title this. I know I want to reveal. That a once very close friend to me. His birth day was May 13th. I initially opened his Facebook profile to say “You are the luckiest, you got to come out of ya sexy mama’s vagina on this day… Let’s trade.” See Bennett’s mother is extremely beautiful. It was an inside joke with the athletes of Northwest. What I saw floored me that day, 1830 May 13 2009. I saw people wishing him a happy birthday, followed by R.I.P... For the record. That profile is still on my screen. I am not sure of when it happens, but I know how, and it makes me cherish life. A little more.
Why am I conflicted? I feel like I am trying to excuse myself for not knowing. There is no excuse. I am in Iraq, had I kept in touch, said hello. Didn’t wait till his birthday. Or holidays. Maybe I would have known. I know people live and die. But for a friend to die and you not know it. Wow, I can’t help but wonder if he is angry with me for not knowing. Not talking to him as much. But then again. He is Bennett the easiest going person in the world. Seriously…
Before every situation that molds me in my life happens. I have the weirdest feeling. I have millions of thoughts. I actually recorded them this time. I wrote over 6 blogs and A 12 chapter book in 2 days. I thought it was my way of purging. I thought finally, without writers block. My brain was bleeding. I let it. 20 years of suppressed emotion came out. After the massive headache, and the dead sleep. I felt so relieved I smiled all of May 12 2009. I had purged. And I had shared my story…
I felt like a horrible friend when I found this out. It took some of my friends from my past reminding me of good times. Fun times. How innocent youth was, and how taken for granted it was, but we did it and enjoyed it. How we were so silly, and mostly how Bennett and I were not the only people to fall out of touch… Touché friends… Touché
My career, as of now it keeps me out of touch. I was here when Bennett died. This is ultimately my 1st excuse in my book. I don’t have much to say in this paragraph. It’s my career. I enjoy it, but even the people who have their dream job. I.E. rappers, pro athletes. Even they have days when they hate their job. This is mine.
Nija told me in a comment on FB. I always had a way with words. Christian absorbs her in everything I write. Natalie said I have the gift of expression. My mother says I like MLK so much because like him I can move people. I can sway people. An ex called me manipulative in a good way. I didn’t know there was a thing. A fight instructor told me I should be a lawyer because I can destroy people with words. Anne Jones told me I was destined to be a man of god I used perfect analogies, and was born “bible based”. Leaders tell me I am a good leader, and I don’t even try to be. Friends say I liberate them. Natalie said I changed her. Christian, loves me.
I feel as if I have said enough. One day my stat read on facebook. If u looks down when you walk you are conceited. Someone asked me why I always looked down when I walked. I do. I look at my shadow though. So I was called conceited. But On May 14, 2009 I didn’t. I got out of my bed, and I needed air. I grabbed my hat and eye protection and I got up and walked. The stale, dusty air of Iraq was fresh that night. I looked down as I walked. My hands were in my pocket, I had taken off my hat and shoved it in my pocket. Nothing but glasses on. “And no shit there I was” in the middle of Iraq with no weapon. I was a walking target for UCMJ. Uniform Code of Military Justice. As I walked. A soldier I joke with all the time came behind me. He said “ I could have taken your life” I saw him waayyy before he walked beside me. But took my life. That drew tears. TAKE my life. My life ends. Bennett’s life ended. On earth anyway. It ended before May 13 2009. That was the day he seized to exist on this planet to me. That’s the day Bennett died. That’s the day I walked with my head down, hmph, but I wasn’t looking at my shadow.